


Falling into Darkness

by SongsofPsyche



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt Steve Rogers, Kind of mute, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Red Witch, SO SAD, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Trust, mindgames, steve is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-16 15:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8107027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongsofPsyche/pseuds/SongsofPsyche
Summary: After a brutal attack, Steve struggles to find his voice again, struggles to not flinch when anybody goes near him, or touches him, or makes an unexpected noise. He struggles to stay present but it is exhausting when his mind keeps flashing back to that night where everything changed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing in the fandom.
> 
> This takes place in the 2nd Avengers movie, right after they have acquired Loki's scepter but before Ultron has revealed himself.

His nose itched as droplets of rain began to fall on his face, rinsing the blood and sweat off his forehead and into his eyes, making them sting. He wished he could wipe the rain, and the sweat and blood and the fear away from his eyes, but he couldn’t move at all. He was frozen in place, paralyzed where they had left him, broken and bleeding on the ground in the sticking alleyway next to the garbage cans. Naked, and ashamed. He could see where they had haphazardly thrown his clothes; they were in a pile by the garbage. He could see the empty needle that had injected him with the drug that paralyzed him a few inches away from his frozen hand.

 

_Get up._ He urged himself, _get up, put on your clothes and get out of here._

But his body refused to cooperate. The drug was still in his system, and he couldn’t move a muscle. The drug had not numbed out the pain though, he could still feel every punch, and every stick they had hit him with. He could still feel where they had penetrated—

 

_No. No. Don’t think about it. If you don’t think about it than it didn’t happen._

What had happened to him, what they had done, he had only heard about it—usually in the news, followed by words like “murder” and “violated”. And never would he had thought of it happening to him. Captain America.

 

They had thought it too. They had laughed and jibed at him, proud of themselves for being the ones to finally tarnish his shield. That’s what they had said, tarnish. Degrade. Humiliate.

 

And he had been unable to stop them. Unable to move at all as they hurt him and now, even as he though about he felt the shame creep up into his face and make it burn. He didn’t want to think about the word. The thing they did to him. It was too ugly.

 

He winced noiselessly as electric shoots of pain traveled up and down his back. The drug had also paralyzed his voice. He couldn’t make a sound. He knew he needed to move soon, he will his body to get up, to stand up and get out of here. But nothing happened.

 

He turned his thoughts away from the pain, and to what he was going to tell the others when he finally made it back to headquarters. They were sure to be worried about him, it wasn’t like him to stay out all night like this. What would they say when they found out what happened? What would they do?

 

Tony would be sure to flip out. He would punch the wall, drink a lot of whiskey and then order Jarvis to do an internet sweep to see if he could find the guys that did this. He wouldn’t stop until they were found. He would drink, and punch, and pace and obsess and wouldn’t stop.

 

Thor….Thor would be confused. Things like this, things like rape were not a concrete concept in Asgard. He would begin to ask questions. Questions after questions until he finally understood, and then he would want to take revenge. And revenge never ends well.

 

On the surface, Natasha would offer comfort; soup, donuts, blankets, hugs, someone to listen to. She would offer comfort until he was sick of it, while underneath she would be blaming herself for not watching out for him. The guilt would over take her and she would self destruct.

 

And Bruce…..Bruce would go green and destroy everything he and Natasha had been working on. They would be reduced back to ruins.

 

And it would all be his fault.

 

Telling them was out of the question, it was too dangerous. He would not let his friends destroy themselves for his sake.

 

Finally, as the sun began to rise, Steve felt his fingers begin to twitch, and then to move. Slowly, he was able to move them, and then his arms, and then his legs. He pushed himself up into the sitting position and winced as his entire body ached from the hellish nightmare he had just gone through.

 

He stood up dizzily, and walked the few paces to where the remains of his clothes were. He pulled them on, not caring if that his shirt was inside out, or that his jeans were stained with mud and blood. They had taken his jacket. He shivered in the cold morning light as he limped his way back to Stark Towers. Every step sent a blinding pain up his back, causing spots to appear in his vision.

 

Somehow, he made it to the tower and was able to buzz himself in. they had not taken his wallet, for some reason but his phone was still missing. Everyone was still asleep, the receptionist hadn’t come in yet and the lobby was still and quiet.

 

He limped over to the elevator, and hit the call button. It was there in a matter of seconds.

 

“Good morning, Mr. Rogers. Welcome back to headquarters, may I be of any assistance?”

 

Steve jumped at the voice of Jarvis. He tried to summon up the words _No, I’m fine. Thank you._ But he couldn’t. When he reached down to try to retrieve them he found that his voice was frozen, an after effect of the drug, perhaps.

 

He shook his head.

 

“Very good sir, please let me know if you need anything.” Jarvis replied.

 

The elevator took him up to the top floor, to where the headquarters of the Avengers were and to where he was bunking until he was able to find a place of his own in Brooklyn.

 

To Steve’s surprise, the living room of their headquarters was not empty like he thought it would be, instead it was occupied by Tony, Natasha, Bruce and Thor. All sitting on the couch, all looking quite concerned as they stared at him.

 

Suddenly Steve felt like he couldn’t breathe. This was too much. He did not want to face them, to tell them what happened. All he wanted was to go to sleep and hope that this all was a terrible, terrible nightmare.

 

He stared at them, and they stared at him. Before either of them could say anything, Steve pointed in the direction of his bunk and took off before they had a chance to question him. He opened his bedroom door and slammed it shut, looking it from the inside. Here he was safe, here he could finally rest.

 

On autopilot, he undressed, showers, pulled pajamas on and fell into bed.

 

Finally, he was safe.

 

888

 

Three days went by, and he knows by now that the others are worried about him. Bitter experience taught them that he didn’t want to be touched, that loud noises made him jump and shake. He hears them whispering in the hallways outside his bedroom door. They have never seen him like this before, it takes a lot to beat down Captain America.

 

Natasha brought him soup on the second day. She sat silently on his bed as he pretended to be asleep. She touched his hand, and whispered comforting words before leaving. A few hours later she came back to collect the untouched soup. He was awake that time, and didn’t have enough time to feign sleep. She had smiled sadly at him, but didn’t pressure him to speak, or tell her what happened. His silence didn’t seem to bother her.

 

Tony came in on the third day, equipped with some fancy machine that was supposed to check to see if he was okay. Steve sat silently as the machine did it’s job, reporting half healed fractures, bruises and cuts. It detected traces of the paralyzing drug and It said his voice was fine, that all traces of the drug had left his system. When Tony asked him questions he answered with short, clinical answers. He still couldn’t bring himself to speak freely though. If he did, he was afraid he just blurt out what happened to him and he couldn’t allow that. Then it wouldn’t be a nightmare anymore, it would be real.

 

It was the fourth day since had had been attacked and this time he didn’t want Natasha to bring him food. He wanted to go down to dinner, get back into the normal routine and just forget that this ever happened. He didn’t want his friends to think he was abandoning them, or that he was mad at them. He just wanted things to go back to normal.

 

They smiled at him as he entered the kitchen, tentatively though like they weren’t sure what to do.

 

“Hey Cap, you hungry?” Tony asked

 

Steve forced a smile, “Yeah.”

 

“Great, come grab a plate. Pizzas still hot. You like pizza, right? They had it back in your time?”

 

“Yeah, pizza is fine.” He answered, grabbing a plate and walking over the open boxes. He grabbed a slice, and then walked over to the table. Natasha and Bruce shifted over so he could have a seat next to them.

 

“You doing okay?” Bruce asked

 

Steve shrugged his shoulders.

 

Somewhere, something beeped loudly and Steve felt himself jump at the loud noise.

 

He watched them as they exchanged worried glances with each other. They ate with a brittle tension floating over them. The conversation rises back up again, and Steve tried to focus on what they are saying, tried to stay present, but it was hard when his brain kept firing flashes after flashes of that night. He felt his hands shaking as the fear started creeping back, and suddenly the sense of vulnerability was too strong and they are too close to him, talking too loud, reminding him of _their_ voices all around him as he lay helpless….

 

“Cap? Cap? Steve? Are you okay?”

 

Steve was brought back by Tony’s sharp brown eyes looking into his, he touched his shoulder lightly.

 

“Just breathe. You are safe here with us. You are okay. You are safe.”

 

Steve flinched away from his touch, and broke his gaze away from him. He stood up and took a few steps away from the table, feeling his whole body shaking as they stared at him.

 

The overwhelming sense of fear and vulnerability was too much, his hands were shaking too hard, he could catch his breath and then he was falling into darkness.

 

Then, nothing.

 

888

 

Voices, there were voices fading in and out around him. Murmuring, they tuned in and out like a weak radio signal

 

“…..let him take the lead; if he wants to talk, let him talk, if he wants to stay silent, allow him to do so. Give him time to heal.”

 

“But---.”

 

“They hurt him, badly. Jarvis was able to do a full examination and he found signs of sexual assault and battery--.”

 

“What does that mean? Was he---.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I want to know who did this, ---.”

 

“I know. I know. Me too. But we cant do anything until he tells us. He needs to know that he can trust us.”

 

Two voices. A man and a woman. Whispering to each other. Where was he? He wasn’t in his room, and he wasn’t in his bed. They came in clearer as the fog lifted. Finally Steve opened his eyes and looked up at the silver ceiling. A silver ceiling he knew all too well, it was the ceiling of the medical ward at headquarters. Panic started to rise in his chest; if he was in the medical ward, then they were able to do tests, and the tests were able to tell them what had happened to him. They knew. They knew exactly what happened to him. And suddenly the panic turned to shame. _They knew._ How was he going to get through this, how was he going to look any of them in the eye again?

 

_They know. Oh god help me._

A shadow appeared out of the corner of his eye and he looked to his right to see Tony Stark sitting next to him with an unreadable expression on his face.

 

“Hey Cap. How are you feeling?” he asked

 

Steve shrugged

 

“Do you want to sit up?”

 

He nodded.

 

Tony pressed a button and Steve felt the bed move up a sitting position.

 

“You fainted. I think that was the first time in the whole history of Captain America.” Tony said, with a small smile.

 

Steve nodded, staring at his hands. He not want to look at Tony, afraid of the pity he will see in his eyes.

 

“You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?” Tony asked

 

Steve nodded.

 

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m here for you, man. I don’t care about what they did to you, you were drugged and it was out of your control. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It was not your fault, and I will never think less of you. I’m your friend and I will always be there for you.” Tony said softly.

 

He reached over, and his hand hovered over Steve’s hand. Steve realized that he wanted to take it, and was waiting for his permission before he touched him. This small gesture was enough for the walls to go down, just a little bit. Steve nodded and Tony gave him a smile before he took it in his.

 

“It was not your fault, what happened to you. It was not your fault. Can you repeat that for me?” he asked

 

Steve paused, and closed his eyes.

 

“It was not my fault.” He said in a thin voice.

 

Tony nodded, “Good. That was good.”

 

He squeezed his hand tightly.

 

“Don’t ever forgot that, okay?”

 

888


	2. Chapter 2

888

 

A new routine fell into place after that morning. Tony and Bruce were still working on Loki’s scepter, Natasha trained, and Thor did whatever gods do on their spare time. Steve didn’t retreat to his room as much, but only spoke when he was spoken to, and only to answer a question (besides how are you or how are you doing, those earned a shrug). Even though his injuries by now had completely healed on their own, he still felt them. He still heard the voices of those men that had hurt him. He still remembered the pain. The others gave him his space, and he appreciated it but still felt lonely. He missed their camaraderie, especially when they ate dinner together and he watched them talk and laugh, half of him wishing he could join in and the other half wishing he didn’t exist.

 

This routine didn’t last long though, soon enough the Big Bad came and they had to go out and be heroes once more.

 

Clint Barton aka Hawkeye had joined the Avengers this time, he said it was for old times sakes but in reality it was because he was worried about the Captain. He had heard what had happened, and he honestly wanted to help, but he had no idea how to. When he watched Steve with Tony, or with Nat, he always seemed so far away, lost in his own thoughts. And he barely said a word. None of it was true to his character, and that made Clint the most uneasy out of everything. Captain America was their glue, he was the first superhero, he was their idol. If he couldn’t hold it together, than who would? How would they function if he fell apart completely?

 

They couldn’t.

 

That was the answer. That was his answer as he watched his three friends succumb to the Red Witche’s powers in that rusty old ship. Nat was out completely, Thor was standing in the corner, clutching the walls and murmuring to himself and Captain America was curled up in a ball on the floor, clutching his hair and screaming at them to make them stop.

 

Clint was at loss what to do. He knew he had to get them out of there, but there was no way he could get all three of them to move on their own. His only hope was to wait it out, and pray that they could find their way back to reality.

 

He walked over to Cap, who seemed to be the most lost out of them all and knelt down next to him.

 

“Steve?” he asked gently

 

Steve was murmuring nonsense from the vicinity of his knees, his hands were clutching his hair.

 

“Hey, hey….come on, it’s gonna be okay.” Clint tried, gently taping the captain’s shoulder.

 

Steve’s head shot up at the touch and he flinched away from him, scooting back farther into the wall.

 

“No, no please. No. No. No. No. No. Make them stop. Please, make them stop. Make them stop.” He mumbled, eyes casting around at things only he could see.

 

“Be a good captain and lay still for us. Be a good captain. Good captain. Good good captain…..NO no no no no no no. Please. Stop. Stop. STOP!!”

 

At each word he hit his head with his hands. Clint grabbed his wrists, and Steve winced, pulling away from him.

 

“Steve. Captain. It’s going to be okay. We have to get you out of here. They will stop. I promise. But we need to leave, right now.” Clint tried, but his attempts were on deaf ears as Steve struggled with his demons.

 

“What’s going on? Are you there? Tell me what’s going on?” Tony’s voice came in on the radio, making Clint jump.

 

“Things aren’t good over here. They got us bad, Tony. Really bad.” Clint said, speaking loudly over the Cap’s mantra.

 

“No. No. No. Stop. Please stop. Make them stop. No. No. No. No. No…..”

 

“Who’s that? Wait….is that Steve? He’s talking?” Tony asked

 

“Not exactly. That lady, the Red Wanda….errr….Witch did something to him, manipulated him. He’s seeing stuff I can’t see. They are all. They are stuck. We need help, Tony. I can’t bring them back on my own.”

 

“Okay. Hold tight. I’ll be right there.” Tony said, and then he clicked off.

 

Clint sighed and looked at the Captain, who was still curled up in a ball but wasn’t hitting himself anymore, instead he was singing….or chanting…… Clint couldn’t tell what it was.

 

“Star spangled man with a plan, strong brave and brave here to save the American way, star spangled man with a plan. Man with a plan. …be a good captain…..Star spangled man….NO. NO. NO. NO. Stop. Please, stop. Make them stop. They wont stop. Star spangled……man with a plan...”

 

Clint watched him, he had no idea what to do. He sat there next to him until Tony arrived.

 

“ Bruce is in the shuttle” Tony said

 

“How is he?” Clint asked

 

“Not good. We need to get out of here, and quick.” He said, and then took off his mask, and bent down next to Steve.

 

“Hey Steve, can you hear me?” Tony asked

 

“In New York you can be a new man. In New York. Star spangled man. A star spangled man. Bright, shining, new. Red, white and blue. In New York you can be a new man, in new york, in new york, in new york……….Tony?”

 

Steve had finally looked up from his knees and focused his eyes on Tony.

 

Tony smiled and nodded.

 

“Yes, yes it’s me Steve. I’m here.”

 

His hands hovered over him, afraid to touch him.

 

“Tony…..Tony…..they came at me, with needles and….and…..frozen serum. In New York. Star spangled. I’m not spangled anymore…..they took it from me, they took it from me and now it’s lost. Tony……red white and blue. Tony…..I can’t……” he babbled, unaware of where he was, still trapped in the nightmare.

 

Tony’s eyes were soft as he gently put his hand on his friend;s shoulders.

 

“I know, I know it hurts. You have to fight it though. You have to come back. You can do it. Listen to my voice, Cap.”

 

But he had lapsed back into his gargled version of Star Spangled Man, eyes darting back and forth behind Tony’s head. Not really seeing anything that was in front of him.

 

Tony sighed, and then looked at Clint.

 

“We gotta get them all outta here. Let’s get Cap back to the shuttle first, and then come back for Nat and Thor.”

 

Clint nodded, “How….

 

“Still working on it……Okay, I’m going to try and get him to stand up. Stay here, and help me walk him over to the shuttle when…if…..he stands….” Tony trailed off as he watched Steve for a moment, who had returned to clutching his hair and murmuring into his knees. He gently grabbed Steve’s wrists and pulled them away from his hair.

 

“Don’t do that, love. Come on, you are going to have to meet me halfway. Steve? Can you look at me, Steve?”

 

Steve head swung back and forth, and he struggled to get out of Tony’s grip. He pushed back further into the wall.

 

“No, no no no. I can’t. They won’t let me. I can’t move. They…they hurt me….they hurt me and I was frozen. I cant’t, I can’t, I can’t----.”

 

“Yes. Yes you can. You can do this. I will help you.” Tony said

 

Steve paused again, and his eyes flickered up and again, he asked “Tony?”

 

“Yeah, Bud. I’m still here. I’m here to help. We have to get out of here right now. I’m going to help you stand, okay? I’m going to touch---.”

 

“No. No, no no no. I can stand. I can do it. I can stand.” Steve answered, shaking his head back and forth rapidly, and then on shaky legs pulled himself up to standing.

 

“There ya go. Now all we have to do is walk back to the shuttle. That’s easy. You can do that.” Tony said

 

Steve nodded, looking down at his feet.

 

Tony turned to Clint, “Walk on the other side of him, but don’t get too close. He doesn’t want to be touched.”

 

Clint nodded his head, and silently they walked back to the shuttle tohether. Steve was silent the entire way, and Clint could see that his hands were shaking.

 

When they arrived at the shuttle, Clint watched (feeling slightly helpless) as Tony sat Steve down in one of the chairs and wrapped him in a blanket. Steve allowed him to, only flinching slightly when Tony put the blanket around his shoulders.

 

“I’m going to get Nat and Thor, can you watch him? And Bruce?” he pointed to Bruce, who was sitting in another chair, wrapped in a blanket and lost to the world.

 

“Like a hawk.” Clint replied, smiling slightly.

 

Tony nodded, and than sprinted out of the shuttle and back to the abandoned ship.

 

Steve was quiet for a few minutes, but then his eyes glazed, the rambling started up again.

 

“There’s not going to be a safe landing, but I can try and force it down…..there’e not enough time….red white and blue. Captain America, star spangled man. No. NO. stop, please. Make it stop. If I wait any longer….this is my choice. My choice. My. Choice. My choice. Red, red, white and blue. Red white and blue….red white and blue. NO! No! Stop! STOP!! They wont stop. They will never stop. Please, please make them---.”

 

He stood up, twitching away from invisible men and shielding his face from invisible blows.

 

“Stop. Stop. Stop.”

 

Clint approached his friend slowly, not wanting him to bolt out of the shuttle. Even in this state, Cap was sure to be a lot faster than Clint was.

 

“Hey Cap, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay” He said, trying to mirror what Tony had done earlier.

 

Steve backed away from him until his back hit the wall of the shuttle.

 

“No, no, no, no…” he murmured as he sunk down to the floor.

 

Clint looked out, and to his relief he saw Tony coming, carrying Nat in his arms. A pale looking Thor was following behind him.

 

The minute they were on the ship, Clint started up the engines, and typed the coordinates into Autopilot for their safe house. He turned back around to see Tony kneeling next to Steve, who was rambling random words again, still lost in his mind.

 

“Peggy…peggy, peggy. I’m---I’m going to need a rain check on that dance. Red while and Blue. Be a good captain. Star spangled man. I still don’t know how to dance…..dance…..I’d hate to step on your toes. Peggy…Peggy, Peggy, Peggy. Wait. NO!!” Clint jumped as the last word was shouted, loudly.

 

“What’s he talking about? I mean, I understand some of it but….do you know?” Clint asked

 

“Make them stop. Why won’t they stop? Stop. Stop, stop stop. They wont stop. It hurts. I can’’t…..no, no, no, no, no, I cant. It hurts. Please. Make them stop! STOP!”

 

“I think……I think he’s talking about what happened to him….I mean, we know what they did, we know how they hurt him, but this is the first time he’s ever said anything about it. That’s what she made him see. He’s still lost in it. Maybe once the effects of her power wear off, he’ll be able to find his way back to us.” Tony answered quietly.

 

Clint nodded, “He’s strong, Tony. He’ll find his way.”

 

Tony’s eyes were sad, “Will he?”

 

“He has to. They all have to. We can’t beat this thing without them.” Clint answered

 

“I know….it’s just, this is the first time I’ve heard him talk since the accident, but it’s like…..it’s not real. You know?”

 

Clint nodded, “I know. It’ll be okay, Tony. He will get better. I promise.”

 

Tony looked up at him, and Clint tried not to flinch from the desperate look in his eyes.

 

“You promise he’ll get better, that we’ll have our captain back?” he asked

 

Clint nodded.

 

“I promise.”

 

888

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one shot idea that I had at 3:34 in the morning has now turned into a full story. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos and kind words, what a lovely fandom :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~*~*~*~*~ = a break in time

888

 

Steve felt like he was, once again, waking up from a long sleep. Once again, he couldn’t remember what had happened, and he had no idea where he was. He knew he was in a bed, a soft bed that smelled like sunshine and flowers. It didn’t feel like a hospital bed, it felt like…..home. Not his bunk in headquarters though, but of his real home, back when he was growing up. For a fleeting moment he thought he was back, that this Captain America thing was all just a very long dream, but then memories of what happened flooded back to him and he knew he wasn’t home. He would never be home again.

 

He opened his eyes slowly, expecting bright lights, and machines hovering over him, but instead he found himself looking up at a brown fan, turning softly against a pale pink ceiling. He looked to his left and saw a nightstand with a golden lamp on it, and a bookshelf full of trinkets. Warm sunlight filtered through the pale yellow curtains and onto the hardwood floor.

 

And sitting in a chair, next to the nightstand was Tony. He was reading a book, but when he saw that Steve was awake he put it down and smiled.

 

“Hey Cap.” He said softly

 

Steve wanted to ask questions; What happened? Where was he? But he didn’t feel like talking, so he remained silent. He sat up on the bed, and adjusted the pillow so he could lean against the wall. Someone had changed him out of his uniform, he was wearing grey sweats and a sweater.

 

“We are at Barton’s house. Turned out he had a hidden farm family out here. Who’d have thought, right?” Tony said, with a slight smile.

 

“We managed to track the metal Ultron was looking for, but he beat us to it. The Red Witch brought us all down. We took a pretty hard hit. The Hulk destroyed half the city, and SHEILD is looking for us. We are better off here for a few days.” Tony explained, answered Steve’s unasked questions.

 

“Anyway, that’s the update. How are you feeling?”

 

Steve shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t know how he felt…..he felt…..numbed out and tired. Part of him just wanted to go back to sleep.

 

“You were out for most of the night……do you remember anything?” Tony asked

 

A direct question, he had to answer it.

 

“I…..the Red Witch, she did something, made me see things….I wasn’t….it wasn’t real….I saw Peggy and----.”

 

He broke off, because he didn’t want to tell Tony what happened next, he didn’t want to tell anybody that he had seen Peggy watching as those men hurt him. She had watched with a pitiful expression on her face and he had tried to break free but he couldn’t move, and they wouldn’t stop. They would never stop.

 

“-----they wouldn’t stop. It happened over and over again and they never stopped. I couldn’t stop them….” He trailed off, putting his head in his hands. He felt his face burn with shame.

 

“……Red white and blue. A star spangled man.” He added, before he could stop himself. The phrase was familiar, and it offered a moment of comfort before the shame came back.

 

“Steve. It’s okay.” Tony said, his voice bringing him back to the bedroom, away from the darkness.

 

Steve looked up at him.

 

“You said that a lot, while you were under her spell.”

 

“It was my theme song.”

 

“You had a theme song?”

 

Steve nodded, smiling a little bit.

 

“Are you going to be okay, Steve?” Tony asked, and something in his voice made Steve look up at him. Tony looked sad, and worried.

 

Steve shrugged his shoulders. He had no idea how he was, let alone if he was okay. He just wanted things to go back to normal.

 

Then-just as he did before-Tony reached out to him and hovered his hand over his.

Steve nodded and Tony took it.

 

“We are all here for you, anything you need from us. Just ask, okay?” he said

 

Steve nodded again.

 

“I know.”

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Chop.

 

Chop.

 

Chop.

 

CRACK.

 

“If I have to tell Clint we broke another one of his axes, he will have my head.” Tony mumbled as he inspected the axe that Steve had accidently thrust too deep into the ground.

 

“It’s not broken. Thank god. You got a good swing, Cap.”

 

Steve shrugged.

 

After he had gotten out of bed, showered and eaten he had become too antsy to go sit back in bed, so Tony suggested they go outside and do something useful; chop wood.

 

It was oddly satisfying, like every swing and crack of the wood lifted the fog that was in head. Just a little bit. And it didn’t involve any talking, which Steve was grateful for.

 

At least, it didn’t involve any talking for him. Tony was happy to ramble away about anything and everything on his mind. Getting Steve to talk to him seemed to be his only goal, and even though Steve appreciated the effort, he wasn’t ready to open up yet and talk.

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that brother of her’s….what’s his name, the one with the super speed? That guy. Anyway, if I can put together a device that could catch him using electronic magnets than maybe we could stop him. What do you think?” Tony asked

 

Steve shrugged, and kept chopping wood.

 

Tony put his axe down.

 

“Steve.” He said quietly

 

Steve chopped another block of wood.

 

“Steve.” Tony said louder.

 

Steve looked at him.

 

“Please, talk to me. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

 

“I’m fine.” Steve replied, chopping another block.

 

“You haven’t looked any of us in the eye since the Red Witch.”

 

Steve chopped another block of wood.

 

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. She influenced us all. None of us were in the right mind.”

 

“Well none of you made complete fools of yourselves.” Steve answered, the words coming out before he could stop them. He had heard through the grapevine of whispers around the house about what he had done, how he had acted, what he had said.

 

“Hey, it was out of your control. We all reacted in different ways. It’s just, after what happened…we’re worried about---.”

 

Steve threw down his axe, the feeling of wanting to be alone overwhelming him.

 

“Don’t be. I’m fine.” He muttered, walking away.

 

As he was walking though, he missed a stray log and before he knew it he was hitting the ground hard, knocking the wind out of him.

 

“Steve---.” Tony rushed to him, to help him up but all Steve saw with someone rushing towards him, to possibly hurt him while he was on the ground.

 

“Stop. Stop. I’m fine.” He said, holding his hand out to stop Tony from touching him.

 

“Don’t…..don’t touch me. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” He ordered

 

Tony took a step back, his hands up in the air and his eyes sad.

 

“Okay.”


	4. Chapter 4

 

The city was not clear.

 

People were dying and the city was rising higher and higher into the sky.

 

It had to be clear of civilians.

 

But it wasn’t.

 

Steve felt the pressure and the anxiety build up in his chest. Ultron was ultimately winning, at this point. His battle robots were ruthless, killing everyone in Sovokia on site. It was bad, and they all knew it.

 

But they had to keep fighting, they had to get the city clear.

 

But all Steve could do was think about his last interaction with Tony, how he had looked so sad, how he didn’t stop him as he stormed off into the house. The last thing he wanted was Tony to look at him with pity.

 

He wanted Tony to look at him…..the way Clint looked at Laura. Secretly, deep deep down, he wanted to feel loved by Tony.

 

But that never was going to happen.

 

He wished he could let him in. He wished he could trust him enough to tell him everything. But there was no way he could do that, because who would love a broken monster like him?

 

He saw flashes of Tony in his mind’s eye;

 

_Tony sitting at the breakfast table drinking coffee in the morning_

_Tony calling his suit to him and putting it on._

_Tony holding his hand in the medical ward._

But it could never happen. As much as Steve wanted to, it never would. He would just have take his love for Tony and stick it with the rest of his secrets that the team had no idea about.

 

_Everyone says that Captain America doesn’t have a dark side, well, they are wrong._ He thought bitterly to himself as he decapitated another robot with his shield.

 

Because the truth was, he _did_ have a dark side,he was just really really good at hiding it (with the exception of that one night, the one he wouldn’t let himself think about).

 

He smashed another robot with his shield and jumped up to catch it’s head before it landed on another civilian.

 

“Go to the boats, hurry!” he shouted at them.

 

Despite his attempts to not think about it, flashes of that night kept appearing in his mind’s eyes. The way the men sneered at him, the way they hit him, the way they---.

 

“NO!” Steve heard himself should as he pounded another robot. Too hard. It flew through the air and hit a civilian car making it’s way down to the recues boats. The car slid down the street and then off the cliff.

 

“Hey! We’re killing robots, not people, guys.”

 

Tony’s voice, tinny through the microphone said as Iron Man flew up in the sky carrying the car.

 

Steve shook his head. He couldn’t loose control like that. Not here, when their lives were at stack.

 

As he swung his shield again, he heard a low goan. He looked up with just enough time to see a building collapsing down. And even as he ran he knew he would never make it. Debris from the building collages all around him, and suddenly he found himself stuck underneath two large metal pillars surrounded by glass and concrete. His left arm was pinned down, as so was his right leg. He had absolutely no leverage at all. He was trapped.

 

He knew he could call, he knew Tony or Thor would be there in a split second, but he couldn’t seem to find his voice. He couldn’t bring himself to call for help because he was vulnerable. He was stuck tight and couldn’t move.

 

Flashes of that night raced by him in his mind’s eye as he struggled to pull his arm free. Even with his strength he couldn’t, it was just too heavy.

 

He watched the sky as robots flew by, as Iron man blasted them with his lasers, and then there was a green blur as the hulk flew by in the other direction. They were fighting without him. They needed his help and he was stuck, helpless in the debris.

 

Suddenly he wasn’t in Sovokia anymore, he was twelve years old in his bathroom, trying to figure out how to cover up the bruises on his face with his mother’s makeup. He heard someone pounding on the door, and was barely able to hide the makeup before Bucky burst in. His eyes took in it all; Steve with a broken bloody face, bloody tissues, and the makeup hidden haphazardly in the sink. Steve braced himself for the teasing and the ridiculing, but Bucky did neither. Instead he walked up to him, wet a towel in the sink and cleaned up his face for him. After. He lead him to the couch and gave him a bag of ice.

 

The living room disappeared and he was in the SHIELD center, days after he woke up struggling to get the _stupid_ ipad to work so he could find out if Peggy was still alive. It slipped in his sweaty hands and skidded across the floor, landing at Natasha’s feet. Again, he brace himself for the laughter but, like Bucky, she didn’t laugh. She walked over to him, sat down next to him and very patiently showed him how to use the ipad. Not once did she ridicule him, not once did she patronize him. She truly helped him.

 

The scene dissolved to Tony sitting next to him with a bowl of soup as he stared out the window, eyes lost in the memories of the accident.

 

“You gotta eat, Cap.” He said softly, holding the bowl out.

 

Eating was the last thing he wanted to do though.

 

“Okay, I know this is a lot of soup. Nat kinda went overboard. Howabout, I take a bite, and then you take a bite. We’ll finish it together.”

 

And the he proceeded to feed him the soup, patiently waiting until every last drop was consumed. He could have been working, he could have been saving the world but instead he chose to sit next to his broken friend and feed him soup for the afternoon.

 

And then Steve had a crystal clear thought;

They were his friends. They loved him and cared about, but most of all, they trusted him and gave him no reason to not return that trust. He was safe, with his team. They were his family and they would never, ever hurt him.

 

Steve sighed, then took a deep breath. Mustering all the courage he had, he spoke into the microphone.

 

“Hey guys, I’m trapped under some debris on the west side of the island. Can one of you come pull me out, please?”

 

“On it. Hold on, Cap. I’m coming for you.” Tony responded instantly.

 

Iron man was there in an instant. He moved away the broken building with ease, then landed next to Steve. He held out his hand, and for a moment Steve hesitated but then he took it, and Tony pulled him up out of the rubble. His hand felt strong and firm in Steve’s hand, and whatever that was holding him back defrosts in his chest. The fog around him vanished, and his voice unfroze. He had let Tony in, trusted him enough to let him help him and now he was finally coming back to himself.

 

He looked up at Tony, and smiled the first true smile since the accident.

 

“Thank you, Tony. And not just for pulling me out of the rubble, thank you for everything. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it if you hadn’t been there for me.” He said

 

Tony flipped open his mask, and smiled back at him.

 

“You’re my friend, Steve. I will always be there for you. No matter what.” He answered, and then he lifted his hand gently and touched Steve’s cheek.

 

“I love you. We all do.”

 

Steve felt his eyes well up. He loved him? They loved him? Despite everything that had happened?

 

“I love you too.” He whispered, and then he reached out and embraced Tony, suit and all.

 

After a few moments, Tony pulled away from the hug.

 

“It’s good to have you back, Cap. Now let’s go kick some robot ass!”

 

Steve laughed, and picked up his shield.

 

The radio crackled, “Don’t let the Captain heart you talking like that.” Nat’s voice scolded.

 

Steve sighed and rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m never going to live that down, am I?” he asked

 

“What?” 

 

“Was that Steve?” 

 

“Yup, Let’s go kick some....let’s go get ‘em!” Steve replied, laughing.

 

It was good to finally be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! This was so much fun to write, I might stick around in the Avengers fandom for a little while longer.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and for all the comments!
> 
> Love,
> 
> Songsofpsyche


End file.
